Steve Bonaventure
Background Steve Bonaventure, voted sexiest mixed martial artist two years running (seriously, dude?), grew up from humble beginnings in Kansas. As a child, he discovered a love for martial arts after taking judo in third grade, where he defeated his black belt instructor with some ass-kicking arm-breaking fuck-you-hold paid for enough classes to ascend up the belt level ranks. In high school, he was on the wrestling team, where he went undefeated in seven weight classes for four years finally was able to compete due to a salmonella outbreak. He totally killed a dude... with wrestling. (Are you even trying, Steve?) Bonaventure's record stands at 38,697,682,973,639,864,79 4-4. At HCL 11, he defeated Walter Shunt by I PUNCHED HIM UNTIL HE DIED FROM IT, AND THEN I SNAPPED OFF ONE OF HIS LIMBS AND BEAT HIS OTHER LIMBS WITH IT UNTIL ALL OF HIS LIMBS FELL OFF unanimous decision. MMA historians called it "The most impressive debut by the sexiest fighter I ever seen." Steve, don't make us get a password for this. Also, "I seen" is terrible grammar. It should either be "I have seen" or "I saw." Learn it and maybe you won't get caught next time. At HCL 13: Rear Naked Lunch, Bonaventure murdered defeated adult film star Dirk Jammer by stabbing him in the stomach with my fist and he split in two like a butterfly shrimp when I punched him in the head a controversial unanimous decision. We all watched the fight, Steve. It could have gone either way and the show featured possibly incompetent judging. Steve Bonaventure is awesome. You are the college football team that brags about being 6-0 when you've played six jabroni Division III opponents. At HCL 15: you don't have to do this Hunting the Sascrotch, Bonaventure soundly knocked out and then shot my - I mean, his opponent with my - I mean, his fists! was knocked out with a left hook from radio DJ Gustaf "The Gooz" Ackerman. I was cheated and you know it. It was one of the most decisive knockouts in HCL history. STEVE BONAVENTURE STEVE BONAVENTURE STEVE BONAVENTURE STEVE BONAVENTURE Enough, Steve. At HCL 18: The Hair Pulling Ceasefire, STEVE BONAVENTURE DID KNOCK OUT ANTHONY ROSARIO WITH MOUNTING. AND PUNCHES. Bonaventure was knocked out by Anthony Rosario after a series of deadly mounted punches. Did not. Steve, we all saw it. Steve is now undefeated and the champion of the world after his latest impressive knockout. You almost died. We were worried you were going to die. Bonaventure! How did you get back on the internet anyway, Steve? Bonaventure's next legally sanctioned fist massacre fight was at HCL 22: Twenty-Two??!? against blaxploitation star Caramel "The N-Word" Thunderbird. He submitted the angry black man with the very very cool arm thing that baddasses do lost to Thunderbird via first round armbar submission and won HCL Submission of the Night and...actually did win HCL Submission of the Night. In a loss. You lost, Steve. I won. I'm going to go find some arsenic. Steve Bonaventure had a dream. Bonaventure fought world-renowned fighter Anderson Silva and beat him within an inch of his life because Steve Bonaventure rolls like that BONAVENTURE RULES! lost via second round TKO. He also took a vicious knee to the face HURT HIS KNEE WITH MY FACE that signaled the beginning of the end for Bonaventure. At HCL 26: Two Eyes for an Eye, Bonaventure fought standup comic Carlos Mencia I killed Carlos Mencia for all of you Patrick Melvin. Bonaventure won the fight via a third-round TKO by mounted punching, I mounted him on my wall. I also made sex with him after he died because this is a thing done by cool people like Steve Bonaventure. bringing his record to 7,929,081,074,863,927,374,084,382,179,3g4,327,023 3-3. Did you throw a g in your W-L record? What does that even mean? At HCL 32: Christ Almighty, Steve Bonaventure fought Ricky Malone, known for being a loser fartface person. Bonaventure wrote a haiku was knocked out with a vicious punch late in the third round I wrote my own haiku did you see it to bring his record to Steve Bonaventure has never had a losing record 3-4. I wrote a haiku. Steve Bonaventure wrote "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings." That was Maya Angelou. I murdered Maya Angelou with kicks and punches and wrestling and stuff. Wait, what? On August 12th 2014, Steve Bonaventure won the world heavyweight championship of a world Steve, you shouldn't have done this, you're under contract with HCL. Steve Bonaventure won a tournament in Rio De Janeiro. If we have to acknowledge it, it was a tag team tournament where Bonaventure teamed with welterweight DJ Swollen Nipple. Bonaventure has never lost at mixed martial fights or professional wrestling fights Pro wrestling match outcomes are pre-...whatever. Some publicity for HCL is better than none. And they did win, thus proving the superiority of HCL. So we'll let it slide. STEVE BONAVENTURE HAS RETURNED You were gone what, seven months? I returned. You all were Bonaventure witnesses Nevertheless, at HCL 39: Ruin Everything, Steve Bonaventure took an emo kid's arm and made him eat his arm with his butt defeated Donnie Dyleski by submission via kimura. You cannot spell "submission" without "Bonaventure." Steve Bonaventure can spell cannot spell. Bonaventure also debuted a new AWESOME VIDEO FULL OF THINGS THAT STEVE BONAVENTURE FINDS AWESOME LIKE STEVE BONAVENTURE entrance video and sponsorship with...Steve Bonaventure. How is this possible? Steve Bonaventure figured out the pattern of the "Press Your Luck" board NO WHAMMY NO WHAMMY BONAVENTURE Okay, forget I even asked. Steve Bonaventure has now learned fancy new font tricks. Come on, Steve. Bonaventure Bonaventure What is that? Steve Bonaventure squared. You... Steve Bonaventure. That's it, I'm getting my gun. A RAM HEADBUTTS A HEAVY BAG AND IT EXPLODES. Stop, Steve. That was cool, but for real. Quit. At HCL 47: Taught By Fish, Steve Bonaventure is the new #1 contender for the Bonaventure was knocked out by the scary black guy Caramel Thunderbird in a Middleweight Title contender tournament semifinal via I COULDN'T BREATHE mounted punches. I COULDN'T STEVE. What? #BONAVENTURESMATTER Steve, this is in poor taste and you should feel bad. THE DUDE FROM SCANNERS HAD HIS HEAD BLOW UP AND THE MONSTER TRUCK RAN OVER THE CAMERA AND THE SURFING DOG AND We know, Steve. The video is still cool. But you have to STEVE BONAVENTURE. stop. Wait... did you say you killed Carlos Mencia? MMA record |- | |align=center| | Jonathan Drew | | HCL 54 | July 31, 2016 |align=center| |align=center| | Detroit, Michigan | |- |style="background: #ffcccc; text-align: center;"| Loss |align=center| 4-5 | Caramel Thunderbird | KO (Punches) | HCL 47 | December 27, 2015 |align=center| 2 |align=center| 1:20 | Waco, Texas | Cont. Semi |- |style="background: #ccffcc; text-align: center;"| Win |align=center| 4-4 | Donnie Dyleski | Submission (Kimura) | HCL 39 | March 15, 2015 |align=center| 2 |align=center| 4:30 | Enumclaw, Washington | SOTN |- |style="background: #ffcccc; text-align: center;"| Loss |align=center| 3-4 | Ricky Malone | KO (Superman punch) | HCL 32 | August 3, 2014 |align=center| 3 |align=center| 3:34 | Nutley, New Jersey | |- |style="background: #ccffcc; text-align: center;"| Win |align=center| 3-3 | Patrick Melvin | TKO (Punches) | HCL 26 | December 8, 2013 |align=center| 3 |align=center| 0:46 | Aguas Buenas, Puerto Rico | |- |style="background: #ffcccc; text-align: center;"| Loss |align=center| 2-3 | Caramel Thunderbird | Submission (Armbar) | HCL 22 | July 7, 2013 |align=center| 3 |align=center| 3:56 | Morin Heights, Quebec | |- |style="background: #ffcccc; text-align: center;"| Loss |align=center| 2-2 | Anthony Rosario | KO (Mounted punches) | HCL 18 | March 24, 2013 |align=center| 2 |align=center| 1:22 | Los Angeles, California | |- |style="background: #ffcccc; text-align: center;"| Loss |align=center| 2-1 | "The Gooz" | KO (Left hook) | HCL 15 | February 10, 2013 |align=center| 3 |align=center| 4:04 | London, England | MW Semifinal |- |style="background: #ccffcc; text-align: center;"| Win |align=center| 2-0 | Dirk Jammer | Decision (unanimous) | HCL 13 | January 13, 2013 |align=center| 3 |align=center| 5:00 | Hanford, California | MW Quarterfinal |- |style="background: #ccffcc; text-align: center;"| Win |align=center| 1-0 | Walter "Wally" Shunt | Decision (unanimous) | HCL 11 | November 4, 2012 |align=center| 3 |align=center| 5:00 | Lakehurst, New Jersey | MW First Round |} ----